Hard Choices and Bold Faith

In the middle of decision making, often times I find myself asking "what am I suppose to do?"
The phrase I dislike the most is.... just be still. Those words dont seem like advice to me. On the contrary.  More like an excuse. As if to say I dont know what to tell you so... I will just tell you to be still. What does that even mean? How does one... be still? In fact it seems the calling to go and share the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the very opposite of be still... it is full of action with set apart time to pray and reflect and soak in the direction and instruction of the Lord in our lives. I am learning the "be still" part of His heart... in the midst of serving.
The last time I stopped by here and wrote my heart for all to read I prayed for God to call us each to go and love and serve and share. Not limited by circumstances or choice or even location but that we each had a calling or more a burden to share Christ with those around us. I had no idea how this would impact my life and I come to you today to share and open my heart for you to see.
 This year was a little different... my 94 year old grandfather was ailing and bouncing from Skilled facility to Hospital over the Holidays, November to December 2012. I live 1200 miles from "home" and was waiting patiently for the call that would carry me urgently to say my final goodbyes. It pained my heart terribly to hear my Daddy describe his sadness over the struggles of his own Father's illness and not being able to support him physically was very difficult.
In January this year my grandfather began to slip further away.... in and out of consciousness daily then over days he wouldnt communicate. My husband made the call January 10, 2013 at 10pm that he would be sending me to Louisiana the very next day to say my final goodbye to my grandfather. And to be with my grandmother as she sat patiently waiting the day she would no longer hold the hand of her "true love" for 74 years. It was heartwrenching to even consider.
With great trepidation, I went. Leaving my husband to care for and nurture the family here in Wisconsin... tending to the schedule and shuttling busy teen-agers from activity and competition and parties, the things I love and enjoy most of motherhood. I trusted my husband, that he made the right decision for us, and that I should go...
I landed in Louisiana late in the night the following day, a Friday. It was too late to visit the nursing home and I was wiped out. I spent the late hours reading and worshiping in my hotel room... a late night text from a friend encouraged me to revisit the calling on my life as a Bold Woman of Christ. This is what she told me... Hard choices and bold faith are part of the purpose driven journey.. you are called to take. Life can get messy. Sometimes doing the right thing causes life to get even harder. In times like these you must persevere because despite the difficulties, you know the path you are pursuing has eternal purpose and Gods reward.... in that moment I knew Shawn made the right call. I was where I needed to be and the stillenss of my heart and the encouragement of a friend were my validation and source of strength.
I cannot explain the excitement in my heart when I walked into that nursing home room and saw my family there... and sat by my grandfather as he looked me in the eyes and said "hello". He was awake. Not only was he awake, he was talking and having a sip of coffee with us all. I sat patiently waiting for him to know who I was. I hadnt seen him in 4 years. He stared into my eyes, intense and accepting this challenge. Conversation carried on and moments like forever passed before Papop looked at me and said, "I know who you are, you're Candy Cane". He knew my name.. tears flood my eyes even still as I recall that moment and the way it felt to be known. He not only recalled me but he realized my husband, Shawn and my children were not in the room. He remembered that we live far away and that it was very cold at home and he mentioned that my children were no longer babies but getting older. I was awestruck... this man was my grandfather but I didnt have the relationship with him that some of my cousins did with being close or that I though he would even remember my family. But he did and I was greatly humbled and moved deeply in my heart. He knew me. He cared to know me.
That room was full of energy and love and my cousins were there that I hadnt seen in 15 years. Some were married and had babies of their own and we just sat and talked and shared and cried together. Papop would join in every once in awhile... wanting to be a part of the many conversations going on all at once which is very normal for this large family that loves to talk. Papop would normally tell us when it was time to leave and then say "come back soon but not tomorrow". Today, he didnt want us to leave so we lingered...
Later that evening it was very clear that he was refusing to nap and that he was getting very tired. Each of us made that call that it was time to go and allow him to rest. None of us wanting to leave but knowing we should. I couldnt go... I had a sense of urgency... a fire in my heart that couldnt be extinguished by anything but courage.
I dont remember the way the conversation began exactly but I knelt on the side of his bed with eye contact so steady we saw each others hearts. We looked into each others eyes and we talked about Jesus. His love. His Sacrifice. His Eternal Friendship and desire for us to know Him.
I dont think any of us in the room expected that to happen.... but we were glad it did. We prayed together. Sang together and washed our grandfather with memories and thanks and love. He told us it was ok to go but that he wanted us all back there the next day.
We returned that Sunday morning... to our grandfather who was already back in his world of quiet and pain and rest.
He died exactly one week from that beautiful day and joined Jesus! Oh what a friend we have in Him.
The funeral was lavish for a farming man. I lived thinking I didnt know him and all along he knew me.
We think there needs to be a big banner that calls us to action.. that we need to do something important and chase after the calling of God on our lives. The only thing we should be chasing after is Him. THe only one who knows us and will never leave us. If that doesnt bring great comfort then we are too comfortable!
Jesus longs for us to know Him... afterall, He knows your name.