I got tripped up on fruit...

Adam and Eve hid from God... 

Abraham questioned God... Job wrestled with God... David knew God... 

Ultimately God is God and I am not. 

The last days in Romania... Candy wrestled with God... I wrestled with God. His plan and my plan did not match up. He did not answer my prayers the way I asked Him to and I became angry. You will hear me say, "Anger is a secondary emotion so lets get down to the heart of the matter. The symptom." I had to be honest first and admit some pretty hard things. Matters I don't think I have ever admitted before today. 

If God knows the heart of man then He knows some pretty ugly things that I may never had to admit out loud. That is where my heart was on that final day... I am about to jump off that cliff with you trusting God to catch me.. here I go. 

Thursday we spent the evening enjoying friendly company and preparing for the next day. Friday would be busy as we knew the work we had before us we desired to complete. We also had work to do in the village... Combinot. Our team had our share of challenges and obstacles ie the usual sickness, fatigue and troubles sleeping but nothing could have prepared me for this challenge. True to Mission work God always has something to reveal to me and I had no idea what was in store. 

The work day began and so much was done. Walls. Ceiling preparations. The last of the insulation. Yard work. Cleaning up and enjoying the sunshine. It was really a peaceful day. I realized this day that I was grieving the finished work. As I walked through the halls and remembered each team member of the last 3 years that assisted and literally had their hands on these projects and the life lessons and spiritual blessing we received in that moment I asked God to never let us run out of work here at Horizon of Hope. For there to always be something to build and paint and construct and more important to learn. After lunch I sat with my kids on the back steps soaking in the sunshine and enjoying the sound of their laughter just praising God for the lessons and the family strength we gained with each trip. We have been woven together and I count that as such a blessing and encourage all families to explore this type of love together for the richness of gains is so worth while. I saw His blessings in my life and tasted His presence over the memories we have shared while there in Romania. I even had a chance to speak with Cristina and Vasile and when I told them I never wanted the building completely done... I had to explain myself because their faces were surprised. I believe they understood as they encouraged me there would always be work for us at HOH. I trust there will... as we drove away and I looked back at the shadow of HOH I reminded God that we are His vessel and to use  us as He desired. I think He already knew... I smiled and I was filled with peace. 

We drove to the village and we were all looking forward to our return. The day before had been so fun playing with the kids and getting to know their faces and smiles. Sharing time with them seemed to happen so effortlessly. There is no greater joy than being with them... The numbers of children had grown since the day before which we tend to expect. We had run out of fruit for them and I prayed specifically for provisions to prevent that from happening again today. I thought of the loaves and fishes and knew of the power that could again provide. Our lesson with the children was challenged by technology.. using an ipad in the sun for 30 kids in a group may not be the best idea... our translator wasn't feeling well so the story was difficult to convey.. craft time was challenged by having supplies in multiple locations and not being as organized as we had been in days before.. the main words I used were NO and YOU ALREADY GOT ONE and SIT DOWN and PUSH BACK and from my hands were colors and craft supplies and construction paper... I kept giving and giving but nothing of myself. They rarely got those soft eyes and loving hands and touches that express how special they are to me... I was devastated. My heart was aware of the chaos within and I couldn't hold back the tears. I walked with my husband and shared how I felt and in that moment there was nothing to help me... I just needed to keep going. The last thing we needed to do was hand out the fruit to the children. As I write this I pause... I literally stop typing as I hold back the tears before sharing this moment with you..... please understand these children are on my mind and their faces are in my head everyday. I see them and think of them and long to be with them not to change their circumstances but to minister Love and Hope to their hearts. Have you ever had something someone wanted so badly they would do anything to get to it and get it from you? We had fruit..... they pushed and they shoved and they reached for it with their hands outstretched and faces focused forward on what we had for them. The adults stood back in the crowd as if to wonder if their child would get fruit and looking at me somewhat inquisitive as to say "Would there be any for me?" The teenagers stood even further against the edge staring forward as we handed fruit to the little ones. I am reminded that we minister to the little one with crafts and stories as I look into the teenagers eyes filled with wonder.. "what about me?" is what I imagine them saying. I shake my head to get rid of the images as I am reminded... It became so difficult to look at their faces I turned around and as I did I looked into Henry's eyes as he stood next to me and I sobbed. We ran out of fruit.... we had plenty crafts and balloons and construction paper and crayons to give but we ran out of fruit. The memories of my prayer the night before flooded my mind.. please let us have enough fruit today. I felt like God left me and turned His back on me and my prayers that day. Somehow He forgot. As I cried and totally tried to hide it from everyone else... a dear woman who has been ministering to these children every Friday for the last 15 years placed her hands on my face and asked "Is it because the children have such a hard life that you cry?" Actually no... I was crying because I felt like a failure and couldn't love them well and provide for them even soft eyes and loving touches and fruit. Selfish I know... I will get to that but this beautiful and incredibly committed woman said to me "I am encouraged by your tears I wanted for others to be with me and see these children too". See them, indeed I do, every single day. We left the village that day looking back and waving goodbye. Everyone else in the van was smiling and happy... why couldn't I find that joy? I felt empty. I spent that evening pacing... both literally and in my heart searching for the way to get OUT OF my feelings. Hear me here... I didnt want to get my feelings out... I wanted to get out of feeling this way. I found myself sobbing on that bathroom floor as I recalled the days events and the flood waters of my heart. There was no where to turn I felt completely drained and alone. I felt like a small drop in a bucket that drips but once a year... We gathered our luggage and began the packing process. My last chat with my dear friend and hostess was encouraging.. I dont know why God allowed the fruit to run out and I dont know why I felt like God was absent. But I am certain He will show me if I am faithful to wait... 

I cried off and on all day as we drove. I tried to be cheerful and smile and it just didn't fit. I listened to music as we drove the beautiful Romanian Countryside on our way to Bucharest. As we settled for the evening into our beds I could hold it in no longer as I sobbed and shared with my husband everything I had been holding back for the last 24 hours. It came out like a raging flood of words and emotion and confession like I have never experienced. I have never been so honest with being upset with God and I expected my husband to be ashamed of me and disappointed in my heart. I asked him if he was happy now that he knew the ugly in my heart that I had been carrying and he simply said, "Yes, yes I am". I have never been more fully known and fully loved than in that moment. I was angry at God for allowing us to run out of fruit..... feeling like a drop in the bucket left me feeling so inadequate and flawed. We simply need more workers and more trips and more more more! I am still processing what happened that day in a village in the middle of Romania to this heart of mine. I think of them every single day and I pray for more people to see those children and cry for them and long to be with them in the grass and in the field. I pray for the mission to grow and for the Fridays to be FRUITFUL. I pray because I believe God cries for the children too. I see a God of Compassion like never before because I have experienced Him in Romania in the eyes of a child.