I got tripped up on fruit...

Adam and Eve hid from God... 

Abraham questioned God... Job wrestled with God... David knew God... 

Ultimately God is God and I am not. 

The last days in Romania... Candy wrestled with God... I wrestled with God. His plan and my plan did not match up. He did not answer my prayers the way I asked Him to and I became angry. You will hear me say, "Anger is a secondary emotion so lets get down to the heart of the matter. The symptom." I had to be honest first and admit some pretty hard things. Matters I don't think I have ever admitted before today. 

If God knows the heart of man then He knows some pretty ugly things that I may never had to admit out loud. That is where my heart was on that final day... I am about to jump off that cliff with you trusting God to catch me.. here I go. 

Thursday we spent the evening enjoying friendly company and preparing for the next day. Friday would be busy as we knew the work we had before us we desired to complete. We also had work to do in the village... Combinot. Our team had our share of challenges and obstacles ie the usual sickness, fatigue and troubles sleeping but nothing could have prepared me for this challenge. True to Mission work God always has something to reveal to me and I had no idea what was in store. 

The work day began and so much was done. Walls. Ceiling preparations. The last of the insulation. Yard work. Cleaning up and enjoying the sunshine. It was really a peaceful day. I realized this day that I was grieving the finished work. As I walked through the halls and remembered each team member of the last 3 years that assisted and literally had their hands on these projects and the life lessons and spiritual blessing we received in that moment I asked God to never let us run out of work here at Horizon of Hope. For there to always be something to build and paint and construct and more important to learn. After lunch I sat with my kids on the back steps soaking in the sunshine and enjoying the sound of their laughter just praising God for the lessons and the family strength we gained with each trip. We have been woven together and I count that as such a blessing and encourage all families to explore this type of love together for the richness of gains is so worth while. I saw His blessings in my life and tasted His presence over the memories we have shared while there in Romania. I even had a chance to speak with Cristina and Vasile and when I told them I never wanted the building completely done... I had to explain myself because their faces were surprised. I believe they understood as they encouraged me there would always be work for us at HOH. I trust there will... as we drove away and I looked back at the shadow of HOH I reminded God that we are His vessel and to use  us as He desired. I think He already knew... I smiled and I was filled with peace. 

We drove to the village and we were all looking forward to our return. The day before had been so fun playing with the kids and getting to know their faces and smiles. Sharing time with them seemed to happen so effortlessly. There is no greater joy than being with them... The numbers of children had grown since the day before which we tend to expect. We had run out of fruit for them and I prayed specifically for provisions to prevent that from happening again today. I thought of the loaves and fishes and knew of the power that could again provide. Our lesson with the children was challenged by technology.. using an ipad in the sun for 30 kids in a group may not be the best idea... our translator wasn't feeling well so the story was difficult to convey.. craft time was challenged by having supplies in multiple locations and not being as organized as we had been in days before.. the main words I used were NO and YOU ALREADY GOT ONE and SIT DOWN and PUSH BACK and from my hands were colors and craft supplies and construction paper... I kept giving and giving but nothing of myself. They rarely got those soft eyes and loving hands and touches that express how special they are to me... I was devastated. My heart was aware of the chaos within and I couldn't hold back the tears. I walked with my husband and shared how I felt and in that moment there was nothing to help me... I just needed to keep going. The last thing we needed to do was hand out the fruit to the children. As I write this I pause... I literally stop typing as I hold back the tears before sharing this moment with you..... please understand these children are on my mind and their faces are in my head everyday. I see them and think of them and long to be with them not to change their circumstances but to minister Love and Hope to their hearts. Have you ever had something someone wanted so badly they would do anything to get to it and get it from you? We had fruit..... they pushed and they shoved and they reached for it with their hands outstretched and faces focused forward on what we had for them. The adults stood back in the crowd as if to wonder if their child would get fruit and looking at me somewhat inquisitive as to say "Would there be any for me?" The teenagers stood even further against the edge staring forward as we handed fruit to the little ones. I am reminded that we minister to the little one with crafts and stories as I look into the teenagers eyes filled with wonder.. "what about me?" is what I imagine them saying. I shake my head to get rid of the images as I am reminded... It became so difficult to look at their faces I turned around and as I did I looked into Henry's eyes as he stood next to me and I sobbed. We ran out of fruit.... we had plenty crafts and balloons and construction paper and crayons to give but we ran out of fruit. The memories of my prayer the night before flooded my mind.. please let us have enough fruit today. I felt like God left me and turned His back on me and my prayers that day. Somehow He forgot. As I cried and totally tried to hide it from everyone else... a dear woman who has been ministering to these children every Friday for the last 15 years placed her hands on my face and asked "Is it because the children have such a hard life that you cry?" Actually no... I was crying because I felt like a failure and couldn't love them well and provide for them even soft eyes and loving touches and fruit. Selfish I know... I will get to that but this beautiful and incredibly committed woman said to me "I am encouraged by your tears I wanted for others to be with me and see these children too". See them, indeed I do, every single day. We left the village that day looking back and waving goodbye. Everyone else in the van was smiling and happy... why couldn't I find that joy? I felt empty. I spent that evening pacing... both literally and in my heart searching for the way to get OUT OF my feelings. Hear me here... I didnt want to get my feelings out... I wanted to get out of feeling this way. I found myself sobbing on that bathroom floor as I recalled the days events and the flood waters of my heart. There was no where to turn I felt completely drained and alone. I felt like a small drop in a bucket that drips but once a year... We gathered our luggage and began the packing process. My last chat with my dear friend and hostess was encouraging.. I dont know why God allowed the fruit to run out and I dont know why I felt like God was absent. But I am certain He will show me if I am faithful to wait... 

I cried off and on all day as we drove. I tried to be cheerful and smile and it just didn't fit. I listened to music as we drove the beautiful Romanian Countryside on our way to Bucharest. As we settled for the evening into our beds I could hold it in no longer as I sobbed and shared with my husband everything I had been holding back for the last 24 hours. It came out like a raging flood of words and emotion and confession like I have never experienced. I have never been so honest with being upset with God and I expected my husband to be ashamed of me and disappointed in my heart. I asked him if he was happy now that he knew the ugly in my heart that I had been carrying and he simply said, "Yes, yes I am". I have never been more fully known and fully loved than in that moment. I was angry at God for allowing us to run out of fruit..... feeling like a drop in the bucket left me feeling so inadequate and flawed. We simply need more workers and more trips and more more more! I am still processing what happened that day in a village in the middle of Romania to this heart of mine. I think of them every single day and I pray for more people to see those children and cry for them and long to be with them in the grass and in the field. I pray for the mission to grow and for the Fridays to be FRUITFUL. I pray because I believe God cries for the children too. I see a God of Compassion like never before because I have experienced Him in Romania in the eyes of a child. 

Last 2 days 2013... Combinot

As the day grows shorter...

Some phenomenon happens every year as we mission in Romania.. the days grow shorter and shorter! Either that or the time flies faster and faster. .. I have yet to figure this out.
Tuesday we spent the morning working at HOH. It was such a blessing to walk through the apartment and see where once a tall mound of dirt and rubble stood was now a fully functioning kitchen with wonderful food aromas permeating the whole place. Cozy beds lined the walls where scaffolding once stood.... pretty chandeliers hang from the ceiling my son busted his head on nearly needing stitches. AHHH the memories! :) It was such a privledge to see the wall that was built and rebuilt by Shawn and Phil the year before as a true testimony of perseverance. They never gave up! I dont think we stopped smiling the whole time we walked in their home.. I was overwhelmed with Joy to have been a part of a place someone now calls home.
We toured the building and tallied up the list of chores to do... the basement is holding water so the thought was if they dug a hole through the concrete floor the water would have a place to collect. Shawn walked on his own and noticed the basement door was not covered and protected from the rain as it collects on the outside at the steps. He decided to build a portico to shield the door from the rain... after much discussion with all those involved it was given the go ahead and the guys began working.. and building up the land by the steps to protect the rain rushing down the stairs. Chuck, Ian, Henry, Shawn and Alex came up with a plan and had it near complete on the first day! What a team! Repurposing wood and building the portico like professionals!
The ceilings still need to be prepped for the hanging of drywall only this time we have a new sophisticated way of putting in metal tracks to slide together instead of cutting wood strips and cutting hundreds of shims (shhh dont tell Nicole and Karlann this way was much simpler and without slivers!) Phil and David had those puppies going in faster than you could say hand me the hammer! It was amazing! Before we knew it the walls for the closets were even in place and those blank canvases began looking like rooms! All this was happening as the guys were plastering rooms and mixing the plaster... Shelby, Ian and Brenda kept the sand supply and water supply full so the plaster work could keep moving! Sand and water from the first floor to the second floor like masters! Not one complaint... service with a smile. Shelby and Ian worked with me and Brenda insulating rooms... who needs scaffolding! We used brooms and various sticks to put the insulation in place. We wore hazmat suits and respirators.. no itching this year! Talk about whistle while we worked! We got one room and closet complete before it was time to break for lunch. Our friend Cristina made us the energy drink of the day... something in that delicious tea of fruit and mint energized us to keep the momentum going! The sun was shining and birds chirping... we sat outside soaking up the first warmth of the year for this Wisconsin team. What a blessing!
With all that work came a little play... Off to Toarcla we went for the afternoon! Here is my chance to brag a little... Shawn scored his first goal in football against the Romanians AND this is the FIRST year the Americans beat them! Now that is definately something to blog about! There was such a peace about sitting with the kids and playing games and coloring with them as we watched the football game. I cannot believe how much we enjoyed sitting with them and just enjoying one anothers company without the need to fill in the gaps with something. It was perfect! After the game we were invited to a youths home to see his horse... we promised to return the following day to honor Kyle and our dinner time arrival. This was the first time we have been personally invited to a home. It was hard to say no but we explained we would be back the following day. We drove away with enormous smiles on our faces.
The evenings were filled with board games and cards and lots of friendly competition. "Team bonding" some would say... Waking up on a deficit of sleep to repeat the day over again.
Wednesday the team split into 2... Shawn, David, Phil, Ian, Chuck and Alex went with Petry to HOH to continue working and Shelby, Candy and Brenda went along with Kyle to the English classes at the German school. We have visited these children each year and my how they have even grown! From 3rd grade to 5th graders.. They remembered us! It was such an honor to walk into the classroom and see those faces light up and they began to clap! We shared a game with them that Kyle came up with and had our time of English question and answers. When they speak Engligh to us we share a piece of American Chocolate... quite the incentive dont ya think?? Clever thinkers! It works.. and as usual the same sweet children challenge me to skip the rope! So here I am jumping rope in front of the class.. I still dont get why they dont ask Shelby to "skip the rope". :)
The toughest question to answer was from the sweet young man who missed Ian... "where is Ian?" with the biggest smile on his face. We had to explain that Ian stayed back to work at HOH.... but we also explained that as soon as Ian heard they missed him he would never stay back to work again and we were right. Ian was so honored that they remembered him he immediately wished he had gone along. Ian felt he disappointed them and promised to see them next year. (I cannot wait to see THOSE smiles when Ian walks into the room next year)
Thursday was another work day... it ended with Mommies Group, oh how I love Mommies Group! Meeting with these ladies I have grown to call friends is truely an honor. We talked about our identity and struggles with that and encouraged one another along this path of life. They encourage me so much to never give up and to love well. I only wish I could be present at each Mommies Group and not just once a year. We learned that Romanians do not have a translation word for "Sisterhood" as we Americans call it... Oh MY! So they learned what that means.... Sisterhood, and they model that very well to this heart of mine. I feel accepted and our relationships are growing every year... we took a  group photo and it wasnt my idea this year! They are all so beautiful to me.. I hold them very near to my heart each day.
the days get shorter in Romania while we are there.. I just know it!

Monday Sarmale!

 

Something about this place.

something about these people.

You cant get enough. They live off hospitality.

Monday was day2 of Easter Celebrations and we went to church and had dinner in the basement again only this time we had Sarmale... our favorite! Well anyone who knows my husband KNOWS he has a healthy appetite. He cant stop eating after just one Sarmale. (cabbage rolls, the best ever) well he ate and ate and then ate some more... Henry states he can eat more than Shawn any day.. well challenge accepted! Shawn ate 17.. and Henry pushed himself to catch up never passing him or beating him. Just a tie! Seriously.... both of them had to rollout of the church! Roll.. hahaha.

we had a breif time of rest after church and then off to Camp bit of Heaven for family picnics and the celebration of the opening of the camp. It was a wonderful night of reconnecting with people I consider family and friends here in Romania. The kids all went their own way... Shawn and Ian played football/soccer and then a "friendly" game of volleyball where our team, AKA David, served well and smoked the other team. Such a friendly family game turned serving overhand... lol!

I need to tell you a story.. Shawn and I and David and Phil were all in the car following Petry to the Camp for the picnic and as we drove throught the Village of Combinot I started to remember some of the faces we have met there. I was so glad to see the gypsy horse and buggy and I started to take pictures of the m riding along the road. I was surprised that the horse was white and was not wearing anything red on the headress. As we pulled closer to pass them on the road I took off my sunglasses to smile and great them with my eyes as we passed and I saw them. My eyes locked with theirs and they recognized me! The gypsy cart was filled with some of the teen age girls that I hhave enjoyed spending time with each year and here I am looking right at them! sadly though/... we kept driving.. I yelled to Shawn STOP STOP that was them!!! I practically hung out of the window waving as I heard her saying "Teacher!" as I drove away. Somehow I was able to tell Shawn who that was as I continued to wave at them as I could see all of their hands waving at me now from behind me and growinf smaller in passing. I wanted Shawn to sstop the car. I wanted to see them and hug them and just spend a short moment with them, instead, we drove away. I cried. No I didnt stop or turn around. We have only driven to the camp a few times and didnt remember all the turns so we couldnt chance losing Petry, although the way he drives he barely noticed we lagged behind contemplating stopping for an impromptu ministry moment. :)

I was crushed... but I was honored at the same time. You see, I drive all over Wisconsin and barely get noticed or recognized. Here in Romania.... I see people all over that I know. That I love. That I really care about and I am miles from home. The community and fellowship here that we have is never to be taken for granted. Something I once shared back home... and Shawn and I are currently rebuilding. It is lonely. we were called to this place. I know it is right. I asked God.. please God show me a little morsel of the fruit we have here as to encourage our friends the Groza's to continue through and also for us Lord that we have something here, that what we are doing is of You. And boy did He ever! He never gives up even when I turn my back and do things my way. His love never runs out like money will... or people walking away because things are just too hard, or even when I have a selfish ambition or bitter heart. He is always available. I am never alone.

We were blessed to be back at Horizon of Hope today. WOW! we touched the walls and floors and stairs. We couldnt believe it was true that the apartment was done! So much fun we had with the construction of those walls while God dealt with the construction of our hearts. It makes me cry now to think of how much I have learned and what God has done with me while being in that place. I always said, "I cant wait fot this place to be done so the real work can begin." But today I realized the change in me! I never want that building to be done. I always want a wall for my husband to build with Phil and a hole for Henry to dig, and something for my kids and I to do together that strengehtens my momma skills and helps them grow in their own faith. working and serving for Him. I hav elearned what it really is like to follow God and follow my husband. Shawn is so respected in that place....  his name brings a smile to everyone  we see because they know how much he loves serving there. It makes me so proud to be married to him when Shawn shakes someones hand and they reply, "Ah yes, Shawn!" and they are smiling. I am learning how to be a better wife and respect my husband and trust his leadership because he draws near to the LORD! It is a beautiful thing and I dont think I have described this very well to you. I wish I could gift you withthe images in my head! May our work never be done!

Today, we also visited Toarcla again. Brenda led the Bible story time again and has really done well.Ian played football with the american vs Romanian game. Shawn was so excited.. he made a goal! This is a big deal because these Romanian kids take to this like Wisconsin loves the Packers! The Americans beat the Romanians for the first time in 3 years!  Kyle made a cake for dinner and it was secretly the celebratory cake for winning the game. Kind of a big deal. LOL
Shelby and I played with the kids... as usual. I didnt want this day to end....